For Mothers – Safeguarding Your Mental Sanity, By LINDA ASIMOLE ELLAH

are you a learner?

It is safe to assume that you do love yourself enough to want to keep happy, peaceful, and sane as you navigate daily life. If so, then this also means paying the price to be so. The price you must pay to remain peaceful and sane is simpler than you may imagine.

To begin with, life is very simple and beautiful too, but we as human beings have made it complex and complicated. It is my hope that after reading this piece, you will be able to see life with more ease and simplicity.

The writer is approaching this topic, not as a medical personnel or a counsellor, but as a mother, career woman, businesswoman and a wife who desires to keep sane, maintain her joy and have a deep sense of inner peace in spite of whatever is happening around her. So, join her in the ride.

As a Mother

Being a mother means that you have kids, be they biological or otherwise. Every mother knows that there is a fine line between her peace and calm, and her effort to keep her children on the right path. We are at different levels, we have different understanding of our role as mothers, our backgrounds, levels of education and upbring are different. And so are our experiences, hopes, fears and expectations around motherhood. Our understanding of discipline is different and so is our sense of nurturing.

Generally, mothers tend to spend more time with the children, though this may be different in few homes. Caring for the children and molding them is very often left to the mother. Fathers may contribute when they are around. But for mothers, whether you are a working class or a businesswoman, this task is largely left to you to carry – cultural nuances. Many fathers are busy or away, even when the woman is also a worker like the man, she still must carry on with the children. That is story for another day.

As a mother, you must be very intentional about keeping your sanity. You need to keep sane and have a clear mind as much as possible. The truth is, in many situations, you have to bear the burden of what the kids will eat daily, their little everyday school needs, their clothes, pants, socks, shoes, slippers are torn and need repairs or replacement; you have to deal with their tantrums around food and other petty concerns; help them do their homework and listen to their after-school stories at home for the day; listen to their fears and worries and reassure them; and so much more.

There are homes where fathers are involved at varying levels in sharing these tasks or burden, but ultimately, mother is supreme. She works to earn that place where kids naturally place her. Fathers can play this role too, depending on if they decide to be actively part of their children’s upbringing (not only at their own convenience), be part of the kid’s growing up periods or only wait to scream at them as teenagers.

So, whatever your situation is, you cannot measure your part in the life of the children as the mother. You just have to give it your best. It is in giving our children what we believe is the best, that is where the issue of sanity lies. Some mothers scream, beat, flog, go physical with the child. Sometimes, she pours out her emotions verbally. If it is her style, she uses abusive words on the child.

In all of these, it is just important to understand that everything you do around the child is a set of programming that you are building up in the life of the child. Therefore, dealing with your kids in a balanced way so as to keep your own sanity, is one of the best lessons of life you can teach them.

The Call for Mothers

Self-awareness: Know yourself. Be in touch with your inner spirit – your sacred self, through moments of quietness, silence, meditation, prayer, listening and staying with the peace within. When you have this self-knowledge and self-awareness, you will be guided from within on how best to guide and guard your children. You will know how to instruct them, inspire them, be an example to them and you will know how and when to challenge them to be their best.

Engaging from within: This sounds simple and it is simple to do too when we are led from within. But when we depend on our own understanding and strength, we abuse and maltreat our kids in the name of discipline. If you are in touch with your inner self, you will receive promptings when you do not treat the kid right. This does not mean giving in to the child’s whims all the time, rather it is about discerning what action is best and being able to keep a balance between the ‘carrot and the stick’.

Financial Independence: Nothing stresses a mother like when she is not able to provide food, and everyday needs for her children. In the world of today’s economy, you cannot afford to wait for anyone. If for nothing, do something more for your own comfort and for the comfort of the children. In my opinion, God saw that one person could not adequately sustain or look after a baby human going into adulthood, and so he instituted marriage. The ideal thing is for a father and mother to be equally present and responsibly take care of the human being that they have brought into the world. When this is left to one of the parties, the child/children suffer. This is very common now.

However, as a mother, even within a marriage, you may not need to wait for the ideal thing if the other person has a million reasons for not being able to provide adequately for the family. For your own sake and for the children, employ your mind and your hands and see what you can do to have some financial independence.

If your spouse can provide much for you and the kids, then great, else, in many cases, the world of today leaves women to work it out. A man can afford to say, “I don’t have money.” Yet, a woman does not have the leisure of such excuse. She must look for what to feed the children and even the man too. Hence, it behooves on you, mother to be able to care for yourself and your children, unfortunate as this may sound. Again, employ your mind and your hands and be financially independent.

Personal growth: As a mother, we make mistakes sometimes and sometimes we are simply guessing our way through these stages with our children. However, the place of your own personal growth as a mother cannot be over emphasized. There is need to keep learning, discerning, improving or where necessary, changing your character, habits, beliefs, perspectives, ways of thinking, and your choices.

Never think that you know better. Always know that you know less so that you remain open to learn even from your children.

Take time off for you: Know what works for you. You are tired, or over-concerned over something, or feel burdened, or anxious. The kids are all over you with needs and complaints and irrational behaviours. It’s all getting to you. Then, give yourself a break. Listen to your body: do you need to go in and take a nap? Do you need to speak amicably with your spouse? Do you need to take a walk and just be alone with your thoughts? Do you need to kneel down or lie down and speak to your God? Do you need to talk to someone who could be of some help? Know what works for you.

There is a story of a woman with several young children. They lived in a very small space and so she had to deal with all the whining and complaints of the children. She had to do the house chores and ensure that the kids were all ok. However, when she felt she had reached her limits, knowing that she had no such thing as a quiet space in the house, this is what she would do: Right in the midst of her children and all the noise, she would lift up her apron and hang it over her head and face, and just allow her mind to go blank. That apron and stillness serves as her private sanctuary for a few minutes, then she would continue her chores.

After a while of repeating that, the children got used to it. When mum would silently raise her apron, the kids would go silent. They understood mum needed some quietness for herself. Even the young ones began to imitate mum and they made fun of one another among themselves. She had taught her kids a valuable lesson without words. The woman realized that those few minutes of silence quietened her, refreshened her mind and helped her refocus.

As a mother, have your mental, physical or spiritual takeoff, even in the midst of chaos. This will help you redirect your energy positively and clear your mind of negative clutters. It also means that you must be willing to ‘let go and let God’. With such moments of silence, you build your self-confidence, and your courage to take a needed step. You cannot afford to be cowardly.
For example, if you are suffering from domestic violence or from consistent verbal and/or emotional abuse, you will be able to speak up and speak out to get help and avoid such abuses.
An available quiet space is up there. Look up to the sky. It is always above you, there to calm you and give you perspective. The more you look up, the more lessons of life you will learn. God and the Universe will speak to your heart and give you peace.

Together We Can… Make Parenthood Blissful! So what YOU DO or DO NOT DO… Matters!

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